Alone

I just recently began to experience aloneness.  I’m 29 and didn’t know what it truly meant to be alone.  I’ve always thought of myself as an independent woman, but I didn’t fully grasp the concept until recently.  For approximately 7 years, I was attached.  I didn’t have only myself to worry about, I had a “partner”.  I wasn’t happy, so I decided I needed to do something for myself for once.  I deleted the crappy relationships in my life, and decided I was going to do something for me.  In the beginning I struggled with my self-esteem, I joined some stupid dating sites.  I went on some very interesting dates, but I think it all happened for a reason.  I still laugh at the “misfortune” of my adult dating life.  I never saw myself in the position that I’m currently in.  When I was younger, I never imagined a married with children sort of life.  I vowed to be single for eternity.  I saw a lot of hurt in the world, and didn’t want to be a part of it. Not that I didn’t have positive relationship views from my parents and grandparents, because they are all such great role models.  I just knew that there was a certain type of struggle that came with relationships in the current world.  I’ve been chewed up and spit out so many times.  I honestly don’t think I understand, know how to do, or appreciate dating.  I’ve been on countless dates in the past 8 months that I’ve been single.  It all started out with a push to join a silly app, after an almost 2 year relationship left me questioning who I was, why I sucked at life, and whether I was actually good enough to be the only partner for someone.  I’ve had many mediocre dates, most of which left me questioning if this was what dating was about “these days”.  Drinks, pulling teeth to keep a conversation, making myself laugh, being completely awkward, and showing pictures of my dog…is that normal for a first date?  Realizing that people can be absolutely ok with dating multiple people at the same time is a little absurd to me.  I have been informed by many, that it’s completely normal to invest your time in as many people as you choose, and society has deemed that accepting.  I personally don’t think it’s fair, don’t understand it, and pretty much refuse to do it.  If I’m on a date with one person, what’s to keep me from wondering about that other person I’m “talking” to?  I guess for the most part, I’ve realized that I’m not cut out for the current style of dating.  What happened to chivalry, caring, accepting, loving, and monogamy?  No, I don’t need someone to open my door for me, help me down, order my food for me, etc.  What happened to courting?  People are so sex driven and looking for immediate satisfaction that they refuse to understand the depths of a relationship, the depths of a person’s soul, even the desires behind an individual’s mere existence and hopes for their life. 

I recently met a guy.  He seemed great.  I thought I was doing the dating thing with him.  I didn’t know that I appear to give off a “guarded” vibe.  I know exactly why that would be an issue, I just didn’t realize I was doing it.  I have always felt like I’m a strong willed, independent, semi-stubborn girl.  It has not played well in my past, so I tend to be very forthcoming with this information.  I didn’t know that it requires more than just admitting all of that to be completely open to someone.  I was psycho analyzed, and was completely taken aback by the information that was presented to me by someone who I felt should not be aware of my hardships at this point.  I began questioning so much about who I am, where I’d been, where I was going, etc. I don’t think I’ve every truly been treated “right” or loved unconditionally by a male, other than my father.  I don’t know what that says about me, or society, but it’s disheartening.  When you try sooo hard, and you think someone finally gets you, and you open your heart and your mind and soul to them, and you’re pretty much let down…it is devastating.  Especially someone who pretended to care, someone who acted like they wanted to “break down the walls”, someone who said all of the right things.  It all means nothing after you’re quickly let down by lies.  He got under my skin, hurt my feelings, and made me realize things about myself that I didn’t necessarily think about before.  I’m used to it though, and it’s completely sad that I can say that.  I always take it to heart how much someone meant to me and how they hurt me, but, it’s sad how quickly someone (me) can become an afterthought in life. 

I don’t live a fabulous life.  I struggle sometimes…life was never just handed to me, and I absolutely thank my family and all of my struggles for shaping me.  I work hard, and a lot.  I don’t take time for myself very often, I mostly put others first.  I wasn’t content with myself for a while.  I’ve chosen to attempt to make at least one person smile every day of my life.  I want my attitude about life to be contagious.  I often receive comments on the way I laugh and joke and seem to have very few burdens in the world.  I like that, but I’m also probably hiding a lot.  I enjoy reading people and understanding their human needs.  I want people to know they’re appreciated.  I want people to know that they’re cared about.  I believe in the power of positive attitudes.  I may not have all of the money in the world, I may not be able to buy lavish things, or go on fabulous trips, but I believe in being positive, helping others, loving unconditionally and enjoying life to the fullest.

That being said, I’m back to believing that I’m one of those people who isn’t meant to be married, etc. I wish I would have put that in writing with my dad when he asked many years ago. HAHA! 

But, cheers to life and all that it has to offer! 

Relationships-shmationships...abuse...love...and best friends of course

I never thought I would actually publicly write about relationships. 

I was so anti-relationships when I was younger.  I was anti-marriage, anti-children and anti-anything that had to do with sharing an entire life with another person. 

I “think” I loved some guys when I was younger.  I was in what may be considered emotional relationships with a few guys.  I never talked about them, other than to a few close friends.  I didn’t know what exactly being in a relationship meant. I met some awesome people in HS and in college.  I had a lot of male friends.  I may have been attracted to a few of them, or flirted with some of them.  I never thought of myself as relationship material.  I knew a guy, and nothing seemed to ever be in place, if either of us wanted to take it to the relationship level, it just wasn’t the right timing.  I knew another guy; he kind of tricked me in to thinking that a relationship was possible.  Neither of those situations came to be of any importance publicly, but they taught me a lot. 

I dated another guy, for a long time; longer than I should have, and maybe for the wrong reasons, initially.  I felt close to him, he originally seemed like a safety net.  I can’t explain it now, but I think originally I thought “this is it”.  It was not.  It was so wrong.  For so many reasons; it was devastating.  My brother (who has since passed) heeded warnings.  Of course I wouldn’t listen to anyone that tried to give me advice, being at the age I was at.  Originally, looking back, I kicked myself for not seeing the warning signs…especially from my own brother.  Since then, I’ve learned that everything that happened during that time has made me the exact person I am.  Do I miss the friendships and experiences I had throughout that relationship?!  Hell yeah!  I had some good times with awesome people, but I had some awful times with him.  I would not have been able to spend so much time with my brother and get to know him and his friends, or meet my best friend, if it weren’t for that relationship.  I was devastated when I decided that I couldn’t handle the negativity anymore, because I didn’t know where my life would take me.  I had given up everything…an awesome job, school, friends, family, etc.  I shut my family out even more.  Then I found out that he had already found someone new…days after I said that we needed to talk.  His new relationship was built on lies, and I was once again put in the middle of it.  Secrets and lies were my enemies.

I witnessed broken things. I was called names.  I was belittled.  I was lied to.  I was yelled at.  I was locked out.  I was an accessory.  I was nothing.  I even talked about how shocked I was that someone would stay in an “abusive relationship”.  Abuse isn’t just physical…abuse is verbal and habitual.  When you are made to feel less than your partner in life, it sucks.  I even shut out the most important people in my life…my family.

I had one friend (this was my own choosing).  She made me laugh, she didn’t judge me, she didn’t ask questions when I was in tears when she picked me up because I was locked out, she sat and watched movies with me while donning sunglasses, inside, in the middle of the night, she sent me text messages from the other room when I stayed with her, she walked in the rain with me to get wine, she left me rhyming voice mails, she acted like everything was always going to be ok...she knew.  She knew everything, she knew that I was drowning, but she stayed by my side even with thousands of miles between us.

As much as I miss the one thing that was always physically by my side (my dog).  I’ve gained my life back.  I’ve gained back the carefree attitude that I once had.  I think people notice this.  I constantly receive comments on my laid back demeanor, and it brings me back to who I always knew I was.  I am that person.  I went through a rough time, but I’ve come out on top.  I love again. 

To all of those lovely women who just don’t know…there is something out there for you.  Don’t take any kind of abuse, whether it is physical or emotional.  Always confide in the one friend who will constantly show you and remind you what love is. 

Dwelling in the Past

I cried the other night.  I think I was being selfish.  My brother passed away just over 2 years ago.  I had this weird/sad feeling.  The world is not right.  I got a weird e-mail from my dad’s e-mail address, and knew it wasn't him.  He recently received some random weird messages from Ky’s e-mail address and thought maybe that’s where it came from.   I logged in to his e-mail.  Nothing is the same as it was before, there are no old e-mails.  Hotmail changed platforms and it appears that every single bit of Ky was deleted.  There is only new spamy garbage.  Not that I wanted to go through his old e-mails, I just feel like everything should be preserved…it was not.  Those things that I have felt that I needed to cling to, are almost gone.  How can that happen?   How was his e-mail account that hasn't even been used for over 2 years, hacked?  Why did Hotmail delete everything?!  I clung to the fact that I had a secret way of preserving my brother.  Facebook only allows such on a certain level, and I fear that one day that too will be gone.  I wish I had more things.  I wish I had more to hold on to, other than memories that easily become distant with each new memory made.  It’s hard to lose anyone, let alone a sibling who died suddenly, and at a young age.  I thought it would get easier, and don’t get me wrong, in some ways it has, but it’s still not easy.  I often imagine seeing him and getting to say “wow, it’s been way too long, let’s not wait so long again”.  That will never happen.  I never saw a lifeless body.  Ky was cremated in Florida and I was lucky enough to be able to be there in Michigan to scatter his ashes in one of his favorite spots.  Ashes.  That’s not how I remember my brother.  I can see his face still, his lack of hair, his clothes; I can smell his cigarettes, hear his laugh and feel his bear hugs.  I am actually glad I never saw his body in a lifeless form.  I couldn't imagine that image being forever branded in my brain.  I cling to the images that I have of him, even the more recent pictures of him that I have seen on Facebook.  I cling to the memories.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the sad.  I know people say not to cling to the past, but when a loved one passes away, the past is all you have.  The past isn’t always a negative thing, especially when that’s it.  I’m thankful for the time that I spent with my brother.  I’m thankful for all that he taught me about life.  I’m thankful for the late night phone conversations when I went away to college.  I’m thankful for the protectiveness that I will never ever forget.  We didn’t always get along, but he was my brother, and he would have done anything he could for me, always.  So sometimes, it’s ok to dwell in the past a little bit…as long as it’s for the sake of remembering the unconditional love that may never feel the same.  

Blackfish...the first of many opinions

I have a lot of opinions and a lot to say.  Maybe a little bit unpopular or controversial...oops?!  
This is my first blog, so bear with me. 
Tonight I watched the documentary, "Blackfish".  As I was watching, and giving my legitimate and potentially unpopular opinions, my very lovely BF asked me "are you going to blog about this?".  By "blog about this" he was speaking of the ever inspirational posts that I make on FB, that he sometimes has to endure the 'likes' of.  I started thinking about how I am consistently wondering what I'm going to post, as I'm eating, watching, drinking, talking.  Maybe I should blog.  Maybe I gained my confidence while watching The Carrie Diaries this week.  I don't know.  Maybe it came from uprooting the few notes I saved from my favorite teacher ever, who happened to be one of my HS English teachers.  I have a lot of opinions, some or maybe most, of which are not of the popular kind.  I like to promote discussions.  I almost always have a rebuttal.  I don't want you to choose my side because I'm smart, or because of my familial background.  I want you to form your own opinion or to prove something to me, to form a healthy discussion about what is...life.  
Back to Blackfish...I was dumbfounded, which I'm sure is the feeling that most of the viewers were experiencing as they watched this whale of a documentary (pun intended).  I realized I may, once again, have the unlikely opinion or feelings toward the issues being presented.  Yes, it was sad.  Yes, it was cruel.  But, HUMANS suck!  Period.  I could argue so many issues that were presented as to why these animals are the way they are.  People...people suck.  People teach hate, aggression, negativity.  People taught those beautiful animals to be exactly like humans.  Humans hate, they fight, they're aggressive in uncomfortable environments.  People, they do the same things those whales did, in unfamiliar environments...we should absolutely tell every single gosh darn person that they are no longer allowed in any situation that would be out of the norm for them.  Let's solve all of the world's problems.  Everyone is only allowed to be in the exact environment they were born or "meant to be" in.  Don't move, don't travel...you may experience something that isn't normal...someone may have an impact on you that will cause you to be obnoxious.  I'm not saying these animals weren't abused.  I wholeheartedly agree that things were not as they should be, when these whales attacked.  When you go to Sea World, you know animals are being held in captivity, yet you still go.  Why do you suddenly watch a documentary about a few instances where the gorgeous, typically wild, animals attack a human, and decide that you refuse to pay a visit?  I love places that are willing take a suffering wild animal in to captivity to nurture and heal said animal.  Do you visit Zoos?  Do you keep your dog in a kennel?  If you decide to boycott Sea World on the basis of one documentary, then boycott every single zoo, animal shelter, pet store or any place that could potentially be considered as a place that holds any sort of animal in captivity.  Don't buy an animal from a pet store (ok, that's a separate blog).  Be 100% about your cause, don't half-ass the movement, give it your all and support it for everything that it is.  I hate that this ginormous, beautiful whale was treated the way he was...by his own kind even...and I hate that the mistreatment wasn't caught on to, by his humans.  Animals that are in "captivity" rely on their humans.  At a young age, we are taught a lot.  Animals are the same.  We can teach them to obey, to do tricks, etc.  This is easily displayed during the documentary.  We also don't always provide the proper outlets for animals.  Any "pet" can attack.  Let's get rid of cats and dogs and only allow them to be in the wild because that's where they originally came from.  Cats and dogs attack, sometimes because of genetics, a lot of times because of owners.  
I also had a hard time with the way the former employees chatted about their employer.  Do you immediately go in to a job and ask about every single incident that has happened while an employee has been working for the company?  If so, I would love to see someone's reaction when they hear that I ended up in the ER, 9 stitches in my thumb, lots of pain, and probably permanent numbness...from working in a Credit Union!  All jobs come with certain risks.  You may not immediately know all of the background involved, but when you go to Sea World, you know you are working with potentially dangerous animals.  THAT IS WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR!  You may have even signed a document stating that you know the risks and you are OK with said risks.  I believe that every SINGLE person that was injured by a whale at Sea World, was injured while doing something they loved.  
Whale researchers, really?!  You have to have been in immediate contact with the animals to absolutely have an exact observation.  You don't watch a whale, while traveling on a boat, and suddenly become an expert.  I've seen a whale in the ocean a few times, I guess I'm a whale researcher now.  
I guess what I'm trying to say is...don't give up on everything because you see one bad thing.  Do I absolutely agree with everything that happens at Sea World, or the likes, NO!  Do I think you can love doing something that is potentially hazardous to your health/life...absolutely.  People post so much blame to few individuals, when they ultimately have little facts.  It sucks!  Let's all give up on everyone.
So that's my first blog...I have so many things that I would love to write about.  Some controversial, some just for the absolutely freaking fun of it.  I have experienced a lot in my "almost" (sigh) 28 years of life.  I don't claim to know everything and love engaging in intellectual conversations.  I don't claim to be a perfect writer either, but it makes me happy to express myself.