Thursday, April 23, 2015


I just recently began to experience aloneness.  I’m 29 and didn’t know what it truly meant to be alone.  I’ve always thought of myself as an independent woman, but I didn’t fully grasp the concept until recently.  For approximately 7 years, I was attached.  I didn’t have only myself to worry about, I had a “partner”.  I wasn’t happy, so I decided I needed to do something for myself for once.  I deleted the crappy relationships in my life, and decided I was going to do something for me.  In the beginning I struggled with my self-esteem, I joined some stupid dating sites.  I went on some very interesting dates, but I think it all happened for a reason.  I still laugh at the “misfortune” of my adult dating life.  I never saw myself in the position that I’m currently in.  When I was younger, I never imagined a married with children sort of life.  I vowed to be single for eternity.  I saw a lot of hurt in the world, and didn’t want to be a part of it. Not that I didn’t have positive relationship views from my parents and grandparents, because they are all such great role models.  I just knew that there was a certain type of struggle that came with relationships in the current world.  I’ve been chewed up and spit out so many times.  I honestly don’t think I understand, know how to do, or appreciate dating.  I’ve been on countless dates in the past 8 months that I’ve been single.  It all started out with a push to join a silly app, after an almost 2 year relationship left me questioning who I was, why I sucked at life, and whether I was actually good enough to be the only partner for someone.  I’ve had many mediocre dates, most of which left me questioning if this was what dating was about “these days”.  Drinks, pulling teeth to keep a conversation, making myself laugh, being completely awkward, and showing pictures of my dog…is that normal for a first date?  Realizing that people can be absolutely ok with dating multiple people at the same time is a little absurd to me.  I have been informed by many, that it’s completely normal to invest your time in as many people as you choose, and society has deemed that accepting.  I personally don’t think it’s fair, don’t understand it, and pretty much refuse to do it.  If I’m on a date with one person, what’s to keep me from wondering about that other person I’m “talking” to?  I guess for the most part, I’ve realized that I’m not cut out for the current style of dating.  What happened to chivalry, caring, accepting, loving, and monogamy?  No, I don’t need someone to open my door for me, help me down, order my food for me, etc.  What happened to courting?  People are so sex driven and looking for immediate satisfaction that they refuse to understand the depths of a relationship, the depths of a person’s soul, even the desires behind an individual’s mere existence and hopes for their life. 
I recently met a guy.  He seemed great.  I thought I was doing the dating thing with him.  I didn’t know that I appear to give off a “guarded” vibe.  I know exactly why that would be an issue, I just didn’t realize I was doing it.  I have always felt like I’m a strong willed, independent, semi-stubborn girl.  It has not played well in my past, so I tend to be very forthcoming with this information.  I didn’t know that it requires more than just admitting all of that to be completely open to someone.  I was psycho analyzed, and was completely taken aback by the information that was presented to me by someone who I felt should not be aware of my hardships at this point.  I began questioning so much about who I am, where I’d been, where I was going, etc. I don’t think I’ve every truly been treated “right” or loved unconditionally by a male, other than my father.  I don’t know what that says about me, or society, but it’s disheartening.  When you try sooo hard, and you think someone finally gets you, and you open your heart and your mind and soul to them, and you’re pretty much let down…it is devastating.  Especially someone who pretended to care, someone who acted like they wanted to “break down the walls”, someone who said all of the right things.  It all means nothing after you’re quickly let down by lies.  He got under my skin, hurt my feelings, and made me realize things about myself that I didn’t necessarily think about before.  I’m used to it though, and it’s completely sad that I can say that.  I always take it to heart how much someone meant to me and how they hurt me, but, it’s sad how quickly someone (me) can become an afterthought in life. 
I don’t live a fabulous life.  I struggle sometimes…life was never just handed to me, and I absolutely thank my family and all of my struggles for shaping me.  I work hard, and a lot.  I don’t take time for myself very often, I mostly put others first.  I wasn’t content with myself for a while.  I’ve chosen to attempt to make at least one person smile every day of my life.  I want my attitude about life to be contagious.  I often receive comments on the way I laugh and joke and seem to have very few burdens in the world.  I like that, but I’m also probably hiding a lot.  I enjoy reading people and understanding their human needs.  I want people to know they’re appreciated.  I want people to know that they’re cared about.  I believe in the power of positive attitudes.  I may not have all of the money in the world, I may not be able to buy lavish things, or go on fabulous trips, but I believe in being positive, helping others, loving unconditionally and enjoying life to the fullest.
That being said, I’m back to believing that I’m one of those people who isn’t meant to be married, etc. I wish I would have put that in writing with my dad when he asked many years ago. HAHA! 
But, cheers to life and all that it has to offer!