Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Relationships-shmationships...abuse...love...and best friends of course

I never thought I would actually publicly write about relationships. 
I was so anti-relationships when I was younger.  I was anti-marriage, anti-children and anti-anything that had to do with sharing an entire life with another person. 

I “think” I loved some guys when I was younger.  I was in what may be considered emotional relationships with a few guys.  I never talked about them, other than to a few close friends.  I didn’t know what exactly being in a relationship meant. I met some awesome people in HS and in college.  I had a lot of male friends.  I may have been attracted to a few of them, or flirted with some of them.  I never thought of myself as relationship material.  I knew a guy, and nothing seemed to ever be in place, if either of us wanted to take it to the relationship level, it just wasn’t the right timing.  I knew another guy; he kind of tricked me in to thinking that a relationship was possible.  Neither of those situations came to be of any importance publicly, but they taught me a lot. 

I dated another guy, for a long time; longer than I should have, and maybe for the wrong reasons, initially.  I felt close to him, he originally seemed like a safety net.  I can’t explain it now, but I think originally I thought “this is it”.  It was not.  It was so wrong.  For so many reasons; it was devastating.  My brother (who has since passed) heeded warnings.  Of course I wouldn’t listen to anyone that tried to give me advice, being at the age I was at.  Originally, looking back, I kicked myself for not seeing the warning signs…especially from my own brother.  Since then, I’ve learned that everything that happened during that time has made me the exact person I am.  Do I miss the friendships and experiences I had throughout that relationship?!  Hell yeah!  I had some good times with awesome people, but I had some awful times with him.  I would not have been able to spend so much time with my brother and get to know him and his friends, or meet my best friend, or meet my current boyfriend, if it weren’t for that relationship.  I was devastated when I decided that I couldn’t handle the negativity anymore, because I didn’t know where my life would take me.  I had given up everything…an awesome job, school, friends, family, etc.  I shut my family out even more.  Then I found out that he had already found someone new…days after I said that we needed to talk.  His new relationship was built on lies, and I was once again put in the middle of it.  Secrets and lies were my enemies.

I witnessed broken things. I was called names.  I was belittled.  I was lied to.  I was yelled at.  I was locked out.  I was an accessory.  I was nothing.  I even talked about how shocked I was that someone would stay in an “abusive relationship”.  Abuse isn’t just physical…abuse is verbal and habitual.  When you are made to feel less than your partner in life, it sucks.  I even shut out the most important people in my life…my family.
I had one friend (this was my own choosing).  She made me laugh, she didn’t judge me, she didn’t ask questions when I was in tears when she picked me up because I was locked out, she sat and watched movies with me while donning sunglasses, inside, in the middle of the night, she sent me text messages from the other room when I stayed with her, she walked in the rain with me to get wine, she left me rhyming voice mails, she acted like everything was always going to be ok...she knew.  She knew everything, she knew that I was drowning, but she stayed by my side even with thousands of miles between us.

As much as I miss the one thing that was always physically by my side (my dog).  I’ve gained my life back.  I’ve gained back the carefree attitude that I once had.  I think people notice this.  I constantly receive comments on my laid back misdemeanor, and it brings me back to who I always knew I was.  I am that person.  I went through a rough time, but I’ve come out on top.  I love again. 

To all of those lovely women who just don’t know…there is something out there for you.  Don’t take any kind of abuse, whether it is physical or emotional.  Always confide in the one friend who will constantly show you and remind you what love is.