Dwelling in the Past

I cried the other night.  I think I was being selfish.  My brother passed away just over 2 years ago.  I had this weird/sad feeling.  The world is not right.  I got a weird e-mail from my dad’s e-mail address, and knew it wasn't him.  He recently received some random weird messages from Ky’s e-mail address and thought maybe that’s where it came from.   I logged in to his e-mail.  Nothing is the same as it was before, there are no old e-mails.  Hotmail changed platforms and it appears that every single bit of Ky was deleted.  There is only new spamy garbage.  Not that I wanted to go through his old e-mails, I just feel like everything should be preserved…it was not.  Those things that I have felt that I needed to cling to, are almost gone.  How can that happen?   How was his e-mail account that hasn't even been used for over 2 years, hacked?  Why did Hotmail delete everything?!  I clung to the fact that I had a secret way of preserving my brother.  Facebook only allows such on a certain level, and I fear that one day that too will be gone.  I wish I had more things.  I wish I had more to hold on to, other than memories that easily become distant with each new memory made.  It’s hard to lose anyone, let alone a sibling who died suddenly, and at a young age.  I thought it would get easier, and don’t get me wrong, in some ways it has, but it’s still not easy.  I often imagine seeing him and getting to say “wow, it’s been way too long, let’s not wait so long again”.  That will never happen.  I never saw a lifeless body.  Ky was cremated in Florida and I was lucky enough to be able to be there in Michigan to scatter his ashes in one of his favorite spots.  Ashes.  That’s not how I remember my brother.  I can see his face still, his lack of hair, his clothes; I can smell his cigarettes, hear his laugh and feel his bear hugs.  I am actually glad I never saw his body in a lifeless form.  I couldn't imagine that image being forever branded in my brain.  I cling to the images that I have of him, even the more recent pictures of him that I have seen on Facebook.  I cling to the memories.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the sad.  I know people say not to cling to the past, but when a loved one passes away, the past is all you have.  The past isn’t always a negative thing, especially when that’s it.  I’m thankful for the time that I spent with my brother.  I’m thankful for all that he taught me about life.  I’m thankful for the late night phone conversations when I went away to college.  I’m thankful for the protectiveness that I will never ever forget.  We didn’t always get along, but he was my brother, and he would have done anything he could for me, always.  So sometimes, it’s ok to dwell in the past a little bit…as long as it’s for the sake of remembering the unconditional love that may never feel the same.